That loud splash you just heard was me taking the plunge AND REGISTERING FOR MY FIRST FEIS!!! All because someone told me it was okay… I’m blessed to have people like Nefee and Fobwatch in my life.
For the past week or so I’ve been dealing with warring factions in my brain. I do so want to perform and compete in dancing. However I lack the self esteem to be brave enough to go through with it. It hurts. So I come up with excuses to cover up my complete and utter fear of myself and how others see me. Meanwhile I’m dying on the inside. It makes me more than a little sad. It makes me hate myself more. I’m afraid to be enthusiastic about it. I feel like I don’t fit in here either. I feel like I don’t have the right to be excited because of how I look. Because of how large people are treated. Because no matter how hard I’ve tried I can’t lose the weight. I know I’m quitting before I’m starting. And I’m letting “them” win. But you know…. When you read awful things said to people like Tess Munster even though she’s confident and beautiful it can stop you in your tracks. It can make you feel unworthy of anything. I have a good support system of friends and family but I’m afraid of the number of people whispering about me behind their hands. Anxiety makes it worse. I have an anxiety attack on stage in the middle of a performance….? Done it on the violin! *sigh* A sad, I haz it. I can’t even muster up the courage to ask my teacher which dances to sign up for. Nefee is doing it for me. I want to scream and I want to cry and I want to leap for joy all at the same time.
And don’t patronize me with your bullshit about controlling it or being dramatic. If I could control it I would.
I’ve now been dancing for about a month. I decided to start this blog finally because at my last class, my teacher was all “Oh hey! I have a GREAT idea! You guys can dance at the performance!” Two factions of my brain immediately engaged in combat. The part of my brain that loves the arts went “YAY!!! Finally!!” and the dominant crazy part of my brain went, “What a horrible fucking idea!” By the way, I have bipolar disorder, mood disorder, depression, and anxiety. Anxiety is one of the worst, as something that makes me too anxious can trigger an episode of bipolarism… And it sucks. Anyway. So, I got stuff for the performance if I need it…. But then, my dear friend whom I will just call X has been SO KIND as to tell everyone that I will ALSO dance at the feis. (If you’re new to this, a feis is an Irish dance competition) So now I’m just waiting for my dance teacher to be all “You’re doing these dances at the feis.” Fuck. What did I get myself into? And X is SO helpful! =P