Things in dance vs things in violin vs things in fencing: In fencing if I’m injured or I fuck something up a bit, I can do something about it. Parry, move, retreat, something. Usually. In violin playing… If I fuck up I can just fudge through it and it’ll sound okay. In dance? YOU CAN’T FUCK THIS SHIT UP!!! At least I don’t know enough to fumble my way through it. I also can’t fake it if I have an injury like I have done so many times in fencing. Cracked rib? Plastron. Hand surgery? Fight left handed, no off hand, keep it behind my back. Sprained ankle? Lotsa sword work. Simple rolled ankle in dance? I am fucked. This is truly the challenge I needed but OMG I look awful.
I’ve struggled with my weight ever since I hit puberty. My ass shot out and my boobs seemed to blossom overnight. It wasn’t until my early twenties that I noticed some fast serious changes. In less than six months I went from a size 14 to a size 18. My arms ballooned out. I hate my arms. It was horrible. I got dizzy and light headed if I didn’t eat every three hours. My thyroid it seemed was going nuts. After that the shit continued. I fell into depression. I was always tired. My health continued to decline and I finally went to the doctor where yes my thyroid was fucked up. I tried to keep up treatments. It was fine while I was pregnant. Six months after my pregnancy I put back on the baby weight and more. Thyroid again. Lost some weight. Ever since it’s been steadily climbing though. I eat vegetables. I eat fish and I’d eat more if my husband would eat it. Now I’m trying exercise in the form of dance. Once my muscles don’t hurt so bad after class I’ll practice more and exercise even more but my weight is climbing. Then I found out my sister had Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Looked it up and I have almost all of the symptoms y’all. I went to the doctor and now have an appointment with an endocrinologist. Finally!!! Hashimoto’s is an auto-immune disease. My immune system is attacking my thyroid. Maybe. Yay. My own blood cells are betraying me. Probably. Anyway while I was there I got some ankle supports for dance. I’m being responsible… Nefee is probably shocked.
-Not sure how I feel about competing in another feis after Austin’s.
-My brain is so confusing to other people.
-I love dancing. I hate my body inner workings.
-My kid is amazing.
-Nefee and her kids are amazing.
-My dance school is amazing.
-Dance teachers are awesome.
-My life before this was much more hectic.
-I regret losing my mind last week or whenever it was. I hate my brain.
-I wish I could think clearly again.
-I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to have social anxiety.
I competed!!! I never thought I could but I did it!!! I fucked up my single jig on the right foot but it was great otherwise. Now to see if I can do it in front of my friends and teachers. Anyway here are some pictures. These are post feis and nap so my hair is everywhere and I’m not wearing glasses.
Edit: I’m sorry. I got distracted by my family. I’d like to say thank you to my family, my friends most especially Nefee for reaching into my heart and pulling this back to the surface, and of course my amazing teachers.
This is it!!! Bags are packed! My hair is in spikes! We leave bright and early for Memphis tomorrow. I also want to sing an ode to my Nefee for kicking my ass to get this far. Trust me. This is a big huge gigantic step for me. Maybe she’ll read this. Should probably tell her to. In any case she’s amazing. (Yes and an Amazon, autocorrect) Wish me luck. Here have a pic.
So sorry I got all whiny the other day. I was in lots of pain. My ankle is sore now. Sore shins. I’m going to rattle on a little about things. I’ve researched Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Why? Apparently my sister had it. It may explain things going on with me from weak muscles to fatigue to bipolar disorder to anxiety. Yeah it’s extensive!!! Anyway it’s a little terrifying. If I do in fact have this too, I think it may be the drive I need. Because my body is being terrifying I can brave a stage and an audience of people. That’s not as terrifying as having an organ that’s trying to kill you. Also I HAVE CALLED MY DOCTOR! I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TUESDAY! Anyway last night I had a terrifying pre-feis dream. Like I was visiting my in laws for the weekend then realized oh God I didn’t dance at the feis!!! Seriously. I hate my brain.
Today my ankle continued to hurt. More than I wanted it to. I could hardly walk. I rested. Iced it. Heat. Wrapped. Taped. It hurts. I refuse to take pain medication. I also wanted to practice. I tried standing on my toes and it hurt. Kept resting. Eventually I’ll get strong enough right? Also I weighed myself. Gained weight. Augh. Went and got my thyroid medication refilled. Something is fucked up there. I hate my body right now. Not just the way it looks but its lack of work. Thyroid, stomach…. Now I’m whining.
Today I suffered at the hands(?) of my brain playing tricks on me. Clearly there couldn’t be a technological malfunction. No no. My friend stood me up and/or intentionally told me the wrong time. *eye roll* This makes me feel bad for not trusting my friend like I should. So I feel extra bad. Continue reading
I went to register for my school’s feis and totally lost my nerve. I didn’t register. D= someone give me some support.
Tonight is the night and I’ve already done my first part. Time for the second. I didn’t freak out. Yet. But it might be because I am high as a fucking kite on Xanax. Also I want a burger. Let me see if I can figure out how to add a picture.