Tonight was awful for me. My anxiety was turned up to 11 and even after two xanax I was only Captain Jack Sparrow esque for maybe 30 minutes before my mind wound itself back up again. I went to dance HOPING to chill it out. It started freaking out because I couldn’t remember steps. Then when the other two got the trebles down and I didn’t, and they started learning St. Patrick’s day I desperately tried to remind myself that they had previous dance experience so OF COURSE they know St. Patrick’s Day. It didn’t work. I felt awful and useless and like I never wanted to step foot inside a dance studio again ever. Why? Why the hell am I doing this? Not to mention I feel absolutely awful about my body. Ashamed. I am. And I have tried so many things and I can’t lose the weight. Finally I found something that helps but it’s slow and I’m frustrated. I want to crawl into a corner and fucking cry my eyes out. My teacher kept saying, “Good job!” after I’d fumble steps. I kept calling him a liar. I might owe him an apology or ten.
But then… My friend called The Velveteen Rabbit Dancer and I might’ve cried alot at that but for a different reason. I love The Velveteen Rabbit.
I need a velveteen rabbit in a general Irish dance dress now.