When things go horribly wrong…

Tonight was awful for me. My anxiety was turned up to 11 and even after two xanax I was only Captain Jack Sparrow esque for maybe 30 minutes before my mind wound itself back up again. I went to dance HOPING to chill it out. It started freaking out because I couldn’t remember steps. Then when the other two got the trebles down and I didn’t, and they started learning St. Patrick’s day I desperately tried to remind myself that they had previous dance experience so OF COURSE they know St. Patrick’s Day. It didn’t work. I felt awful and useless and like I never wanted to step foot inside a dance studio again ever. Why? Why the hell am I doing this? Not to mention I feel absolutely awful about my body. Ashamed. I am. And I have tried so many things and I can’t lose the weight. Finally I found something that helps but it’s slow and I’m frustrated. I want to crawl into a corner and fucking cry my eyes out. My teacher kept saying, “Good job!” after I’d fumble steps. I kept calling him a liar. I might owe him an apology or ten.

But then… My friend called The Velveteen Rabbit Dancer and I might’ve cried alot at that but for a different reason. I love The Velveteen Rabbit.

I need a velveteen rabbit in a general Irish dance  dress now.

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Back to school!!!

Tonight was the first night back at dance class. I finally invested in a pair of dance sneakers and I loooove them! I owe my dance teacher more than just a Bloody Mary now. I need to get my prescription filled for my memory pillzzz. Yeah my brain just sucks that much. In any case it was a great night for me mostly because I didn’t limp out of there but my stamina has slacked off so I was breathing heavy and couldn’t remember steps. I came home and was happy! It was implied there’d be hard shoe going on soon. =D I’m going to kill myself doing this but I can’t think of a better way to die.

Also on the health front we have pinpointed my weight problem. Turns out dear old mumsie passed me her insulin resistant system along with a degenerative back disorder. Yay. I have work ahead of me.