Things bullies taught me-Rambling

Growing up, I was constantly bullied and harassed, mostly about my weight, but also about things I liked. Here’s a list of things I learned.

  • Pretty people are scary. Their size doesn’t matter. Pretty people are more likely to turn you away. This applies to the family unit as well.
  • Pretty skinny people are absolutely terrifying.
  • Don’t trust pretty skinny people.
  • Popular people are right out! These people are mostly made up of pretty skinny people.
  • Average looking skinny people can be scary too.

Short list. But this makes me sad. I know there are plenty of nice pretty skinny people out there. There are pretty skinny people who love me. I am afraid of them because so many people like them have hurt me in the past. I suppose what I’m trying to say is please be kind to everyone. People may annoy you, and you may burn bridges. God knows I’ve done it. Try to build some new bridges by being kind to them. And tell people they’re beautiful. Always. Because if I’m honest with myself, that’s what I want to be told. That I’m beautiful. And in the past year and a half, I’ve just wanted to be left alone. I only want people around me that genuinely care about me. I’ve wanted to be myself, whatever kind of chaotic spirit that may be, and screw whoever doesn’t like it. I spent ten years of my life trying to be something I’m not. It was ten years spent in misery and more self loathing than I could ever imagine. I’m curt. I’m blunt. I’m not good at social situations. I’m not tactful. I’m sarcastic I will be brutally honest. I can’t sugar coat anything. I cuss ALOT. This is me, this is who I am, and if you can’t accept that, I don’t need you in my life. I may seem like a complete and total unloving bitch, but nothing is farther from the truth. I love and try to accept every person I meet. Sometimes that doesn’t happen right away. Sometimes it does happen right away, and something goes wrong further down the road. Sometimes shit happens and we go our separate ways and we come back together. And I’m learning to accept that that happens. And I’m becoming happy with it! Not too long ago, a friend blocked me because he got pissed off at what I’d said. Did he have a ┬áright to be pissed off? Sure. Was I trying to hurt him? No, but the truth can hurt sometimes. Was blocking me a bit over the top? Maybe. Did I give a fuck? Fuck no! Because if I truly meant something to him, we’d have talked about it, apologized, and been good. Or, talked about it, apologized, and gone separate ways. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m not sure where this blog post is going. It’s alot of stuff I needed to get off my chest. I started feeling very cold towards people. Untrusting. Very untrusting, and alot of the time, I wanted to trust people. So badly. I always would trust a bit in the beginning, and then not too far into any friendship, I would clam up. I’d be afraid to express how I felt. (FEAR!) Afraid to express fear. Go me. Sometimes it would come to a head and other times I would be able to beat it all back down, and never reveal the pain and fear I felt inside. Everytime I would pray for the latter, since usually if things came to a head, I would just announce how fearful and mistrusting of people I am, and the person would be taken aback and insulted. Few people would understand how I felt, and sometimes even then they were put off by my extreme emotions. (Helloooo, bipolar disorder. It can be SUCH an asshole.) I’ve never been able to get away with nothing bubbling out and being talked about. A few times I’ve been able to go “So. My head is crazy. Please tell me you don’t hate me.” I’ve gotten a few good responses to that, but most of the time, it has devolved into nothingness, and the friendship has ended or become very strained. Someday, someone will come along that I can trust perfectly from beginning to end. Someone I’ll never have doubts about. Until then I will continue to live with this nightmare inside my head of being lost and forgotten. Alone. Hated for who I am and what I look like, what I love, how I love, who I love. Knowing how precious life is and trying to tell people how much they mean to me before one of us leaves this world for forever. This last one apparently makes people uncomfortable or something.


It’s been a while, sweeties.

I met a couple of celebrities at a convention this past weekend. I thought meeting Stephen Amell would be magical. It wasn’t nearly as magical as meeting Tony Curran who played Vincent in Vincent and the Doctor. I have to say something about that for just a moment. That episode of Doctor Who rocked my world in a way I never thought possible. It opened up to me that this shit has been going on for alot longer than I thought. It showed me that someone could actually portray how I was feeling, much in the same way that Karl Urban visually, audibly portrayed the tragic loss of a sibling in the Extended Edition Return of the King when Eomer finds Eowyn on the battle field. She DID survive but that initial thought and idea… Someday, maybe, he’ll get to read this and know how much that scene has helped my grieving process with my own sister’s death. Otherwise, I have to pay $55 to talk to him. *sigh* Anyway, Mr. Curran’s work has had such a profound effect on me, JUST in that ONE show alone. I cheer for him in Defiance. He’s supposed to be not a good guy… but I still cheer for him. I cheered for Khan you guys! Anyway, I walked up and apologized for being broke so I couldn’t even get a lean in shot with him… But I needed to tell him how much his work meant to me. And he understood! And said so many people don’t understand mental illnesses and we got interrupted by someone paying for my lean in shot!!! And if I hadn’t already been high on Xanax, I would have cried about it. I’m crying about it now!!! I was so happy. Then I posted it to twitter and tagged him. and he retweeted it!! Oh my gosh! He made my day. My month. My YEAR! And in the picture you can’t tell where his hair ends and mine begins. Ginger Power hour indeed.

Update: Earlier today, he tweeted to me: “hey Chelsea lovely to meet you and am very happy your feeling better, stay strong sister, you got this.” I had just woken up from a weird dream about my sister and various other things. I started crying when I read it.